Why?

"How are you doing?" - "How are things?" - "How are you?"

And my personal favorite (sarcastically speaking), "Are you ok?"

NO, I am not ok. How can I be?

I have never mentioned on this blog before and I'm not going into details, but I lost my brother this week. He passed away after fighting a short (6ish months) battle with cancer.

It's not fair.

He was only 31. His whole life was ahead of him.

He is (I don't like using was for some things) my only brother. My only sibling.

His visitation was last night. The line was out the door and took hours to move. He was truly loved by many! Some of his close friends came in from all over - Colorado, Chicago, Florida, all over our state. Our family came in from everywhere too. Even a ton of his coworkers came AND some of his customers (he was a sales rep).

His girlfriend (I was hoped I'd be able to call her my sister-in-law) did an awesome job at setting things up for last night. His personal belongings were all over the place. I may try to get pics of it today when we go back to the funeral home. He loved music, shoes, nice clothes, sports, and so much more.

It's just so unreal. I know it hasn't really hit me even though I feel like it has. At dinner last night, I was out with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandmother and it felt like he should have been there with us.

So, no, I'm not ok. We are not ok. We're mourning. We're pissed off. We're upset. We're sad. We're devastated. It was a messed up situation with a horrible end. 31 year old healthy guys should not get stricken with a horrible cancer. It's not like he was a chain smoker or worked in a coal mine or surrounded himself with unhealthy habits.

I just want to scream. I did the night he died. I also have wanted to throw things, hit things, and cry. I've done the crying. I've thought about buying a punching bag. Or one of those really big body bags for punching and kicking. And I almost threw my phone the other day but realized even if I'm super upset, that would only add to the frustration as I'd probably break it.

I'll miss ya, big bro. We all will and I hope you saw just how many people came to pay their respects to you last night.